Why forgiveness can change your life

Eve's story

"Forgiveness is the hardest love" Albert Schweizer

When I think about the topic of forgiveness, I always think back to the story of Eva Mozes Kor. In 1944 she was deported to Auschwitz with her three sisters and her parents. Almost the whole family lost their lives in Auschwitz. They were mercilessly murdered. Eva Mozes Kor and her twin sister only survived because they were abused for Josef Mengele's cruel human experiments. Today Eva is one of the last Holocaust survivors. She is one of the few living witnesses who went through the unimaginable. And she has forgiven what is probably considered unforgivable. After her sister's death in 1993, she visited a former Nazi doctor in Bavaria, who received her kindly.

She was surprised by the respectful treatment of her and above all she was surprised by something completely different: she suddenly felt sympathy for him. She then asked him something that had been on her mind for a long time: “Do you know anything about the gas chambers? Did you pass by, were you inside?” And he said, “That's exactly my problem. It's the nightmare I live with every day of my life.” He then recounted his memories in shocking detail. How he saw and documented the gassings day after day. And he was willing to testify to the war crimes. After the shocking meeting, Eva first went home and reflected on the encounter, which triggered something in her. In doing so, she came to a decision that was to have a significant impact on her life: she decided to write a letter to the former Nazi doctor. And much more: in this letter she forgave him. In doing so, she discovered a gift for herself personally, a power that she had never perceived before: the power to forgive. A power that enabled her to no longer see herself as a victim, but as an acting independent person.

On the sidelines of the Lüneburg Auschwitz trial against former SS man Oskar Gröning in 2015, she shook hands with Gröning, who then hugged her. "I'm not a pitiable person, I'm a victorious person who managed to leave the pain behind," explained Eva Mozes Kor. However, her public decision was met with a great deal of criticism and incomprehension from many other concentration camp survivors. In a corresponding statement by the lawyers for the joint plaintiffs, there is: "Being a joint plaintiff on behalf of the murdered and using this role for publicly staged personal forgiveness - that doesn't go together." But Eva Mozes Kor stands by her decision. She has not forgiven on behalf of other victims, she has only forgiven on her own behalf. To find peace of mind, to step out of the role of victim and into a self-determined life. Your personal decision polarizes and inspires. For them it means a big step towards their own freedom. She forgave the Nazis "not because they deserve it, but because I deserve it," she said.

Forgiveness Comes From Within: Why Forgiveness Makes Us Strong and Independent

We seek fulfillment in interpersonal relationships. Everyone has certain expectations of other people or of life itself. In addition, there is a social or individual sense of justice. If these expectations are not met or if we even feel that we have been treated unfairly, this leads to personal hurt, anger, sadness, pain and aggressiveness. There is a whole range of negative emotions that can be triggered. However, the deeper a person gets caught up in the spiral of these negative feelings, the more improbable and inaccessible a happy life seems to him. You literally carry the weight of all these heavy and sad emotions on your shoulders. But forgiving can be a way of embracing the hurt or deep hurt. With forgiveness, the human being breaks away from the victim role and becomes the designer of his own life again. No terrible incident, no insult, no pain has the upper hand, but man himself.

The past cannot be changed, but it depends on whether you want to give the painful experiences permanent space in the present, even dedicate the future to them, or whether you are possibly willing to forgive and thereby free yourself from the oppressive, emotional construct to free. Because forgiveness means letting go. It can be liberating and redeeming. However, it does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean in any way condoning or condoning what happened. It is primarily a gift that you can give yourself. Forgiveness is only voluntary. It cannot and must not be forced. Because each forgiveness story can be very individual, complex, and painful, the decision to forgive is one of life's most personal matters. Because forgiveness comes from within or not at all. Forgiveness has a healing effect on the body, mind and spirit. Forgiving someone can make you realize that you are the creator of your own life and not a perpetrator who has hurt or upset you in some way.

Forgiveness takes time

If forgiveness could be done on the fly, things would be a lot easier. However, forgiveness is not an easy process. On the contrary, forgiveness is complex and requires a lot of courage, mindfulness and a careful approach. Forgiving someone takes time. And taking that time is only human. How long you take your time is completely different from person to person and very individual. The deeper the wounds, the longer and more difficult it is to be truly ready to forgive. Be loving to yourself, don't push yourself into a step that may not feel quite right yet. Or maybe it will never feel right. But that's okay too. As mentioned earlier, forgiveness cannot be rushed or forced. But the secret to receiving something lies in letting go. It can be a life's work. And facing it takes courage and incredible strength. It is the power within each of us to know that as long as we live we are always capable of making positive changes.

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grow out of pain

We grow from pain, but we don't necessarily need pain to grow. Rather, pain can be transformed into something healing if we recognize it as such and realize that we don't have to suffer at all. You can consciously choose not to suffer. Get clear: What exactly and where exactly does it hurt? And is the cause of the pain really still present in the present or just the memory of it? What power does this pain have over your life and why? How much power do you give yourself to pain? You have everything you need to overcome the pain and leave it behind - and much more: you have the power to transform the pain into something beautiful, which may even enrich your personal life. Yes, the pain has taught you but what information do you draw from it?

If you embitter you only harm yourself, then nothing fruitful can grow from the pain, but if you accept the pain as an experience, no matter how terrible it may have been, you leave it behind and you can heal your wounds. You acknowledge your power and responsibility over your own life again. And you grow beyond this experience because you are much more than any bad experience, because you are much more than any pain.

Write what hurts - give your emotions space

In the case of Eva Mozes Kor, it was a letter to someone who worked on the machinery of unimaginable suffering. But actually it was also a letter to herself. So you too write down what bothers you, what you think, write down what hurts, write down no matter how loud and frightening your thoughts are. Your emotions are human. Don't judge yourself for it. Collect them, summarize them, try to understand them. You can write to the person or people who have wronged you. You don't even have to send this letter. What would you like to tell them and why? By putting it on paper, you can free yourself a little bit more, word by word. Only for you and only because of you.

Difficult but important: to forgive yourself

The hardest thing for many people is to forgive themselves. Because forgiving yourself also means admitting that we are fallible. Mistakes are part of life, but their consequences can be very different. Guilt accompanies many people like an incessant spirit that is always there and may even haunt you for a lifetime. This often leads to feelings of resentment and self-dislike. But it doesn't HAVE to come to that. It's important to realize that guilt doesn't help -- guilt doesn't fix anything, nor is it a guarantee against future mistakes. Strong feelings of guilt are unhealthy for everyone affected and their families. They can become a vicious circle, and they also make those affected feel worthless and no longer able to respect themselves.

The way someone deals with guilt is therefore very much related to their self-esteem and self-image. It helps to enter into a loving dialogue with yourself, be it in the form of a letter to yourself or in a diary. It can help to acknowledge the mistake, but also to reflect on why you consider a certain action to be a mistake. You should never reduce yourself to a single mistake, you are a big whole. It is not your behavior, your actions and mistakes from the past that define your personality, but your conscious decisions in the here and now. You are strong and you don't need to hide your strength from anyone. Not even in front of yourself.